J..Can I ask you something?

Can a simple question of 5 words from a little woman ,stop a stud , dead on the tracks in dread? If I say the answer is yes would you be surprised? I bet you won't if you read further..
It was an almost a perfect Saturday early night. After a bout of all-Friday-night Ping pong, wine, sumptuous gourmet lunch and dinner on Saturday at 2 different friends' house, all day mall hopping, babe watching and non stop laughter and fun at the friend's and with the friends, it was a peaceful ride back home in a clear cool early spring Saturday night with a gorgeous moon following my RSX like a loving puppy and peering through the moon roof on a cruise controlled 85MPH on I495.

Just when I thought "Gosh what more a man can ask for", came the question breaking the beautiful blissful silence "Jai..Can I ask you something?

My sense of tranquility came to a shattering end ,when my thoughts had already started racing in dread.."Here it comes.."(Do you remember Morpheus, in the climax of the movie Matrix when the camera zooms in on his petrified face when the sentinels are ferociously breaching the skull of the hovercraft Nebuchhanisser, when he utters these helpless words in fright?)
For those of you who are quizzical how these seemingly innocuous words can strike chill in my heart. I don’t blame ya. Because I also thought the same thing when I first faced the question from my better half five years back when we were newly wedded. It always starts with this question. "Jai..Can i ask you something? When you say "Yes..Go ahead.." the question will come rumbling out. "Will you stay with me till the day I die" Ahhh..What the hell. What will YOU say? You might say of course I will. End of story. Of course I also wanted to say the same thing. But I am not YOU. The normal loving husband who always likes to see smile and grin on your wife’s face. (Oh you don’t? Then you are on my side..J )But being a mischievous, cynical simian I always say, "who knows? Anything might happen!”

This time I replied in jest. “Of course I will .Unless something terribly happens to both of us, a 18 wheeler might rear end us or the RSX can swerve off the road in my (W)inebriated state and I can die or you can die or both of us can die or both of us can live” (but with a mischievous evil grin I added) “SEPARATELY”. At that point I could clearl feel the all too familiar rising hysteria in her.

It is a (now) familiar sequence of events especially during those 3 days of the month when the women folk are cursed with physical inconvenience, which comes with the added free baggage of unruly psychological ramifications , when hormones run amok, and cause wild violent mood swings. It might not happen to all the women folk (wives) but only for unfortunate husbands like me who feel blessed for the rest of the 27 days of the month with a flexible, loving wife who morph into unruly bullying monsters who are out to picking up a fight on seemingly inane but highly loaded questions like
Generic Cliché
"Do you love me"
Expansive
"Will you stay with me for ever
Self-effacing
"Will you stay with me till I die?
Cynical
"Will you stay with me till you die ?
Charitable
"Will you stay with me till we die ?
Maternal
"Will you love our kids '

I (like YOU) am always tempted to say “Yes” and put an end to this impending insanity.
But I yield to the inner Devil who with gleaming mischievous grin arms me and goads me to pick up the gauntlet . I fall for the evil temptation and reply thus.

"Do you love me" (Of course I do. And Of course I love my Acura RSX better!)
"Will you stay with me for ever (No body lives for ”ever" :-)
"Will you stay with me till I die (Why..Dont you care what happens AFTER you die ? hee hee)
"Will you stay with me till you die (Are you eager to see the day soon..:-)
"Will you stay with me till we die (You might look forward to the day. Madame, but I might not be :-)
"Will you love our kids ' (Gosh ..We have not even started a family YET!)

You get the idea?..I know I am not alone in this cruel girly monthly game. I have other married friends who have alluded to these feisty episodes with a helpless exhaustion. The symptoms and results of the paroxysm will be the same but the settings will be masked with a “PG 13” reason like "when she is tired" or "when she is hungry" or like "when she is cranky" etc.. But I get the idea. When I always say "I read you Pal"., I mean every word of it.
I am always tempted to give a simple answer ("YES" ) and get the hell of out of the feminine trap. But being a monkey who derives great ecstasy in scratching his cankerous putrefying wound and deriving fickle pleasure little knowing that his action is going to hurt him for good later, I always try to prolong the agony by giving “crystal clear “ unambiguous" answers to the questions Super Star style.

"If it happens it happens. If it does not, it will not". (Nadakkummna nadakkum. Nadakkalainna nadakakkathu)
Then comes the *really* unambiguous response "Why Jai..(in a wailing voice) why can’t you simply say "Yes" (Because I cannot. I love this sado masochist monthly game honey ..:-)Then it will deteriorate into a "the silent " treatment (who cares :-) just kidding) or much worse into a night long sobbing tearful melancholic mess (gosh gimme a break..)

At that time my mind will reel back in concentric circles (imagine "flash back mode in black and white motion pictures") when I used to pick up a fight with my friend's father whose orthodox family banishes the womenfolk to a mat during those inconvenient days, when they can touch nobody or anything nor can any body / anything come in touch with them and they used to get fed on an aluminum plate and have coffee on an aluminum tumbler, that too on the main living room so that they can watch the tube but at the same time advertising to all the visitors of the house, who is currently "on the mat". I used to be particularly close to the family and I take the liberty to fight for the 'liberty' of the womenfolk saying the usual kiddish argument that’s is old fashioned, barbaric, etc and a blemish in an otherwise stellar liberal family outlook, an argument I always lost.

I am seriously toying with the idea of enforcing the system in my house henceforth. Or else on a Sunday "early morning at 9.00AM", I am doomed to have my duet, in my dream, with the 19 year old jogging bombshell ,in shortest of shorts, who waved at me yesterday, disturbed by a deeply quivering voice seeped with melancholy "Jai..Can i ask you something?
PS:If you are still reading this crappy account of marital blues comfortably wasting the time your employer has paid for dearly (who reads/replies to email during week ends!) go ahead , waste some more and browse through the snaps I have invited you to see.